Fear, Saddness, and Isolation
GuiltyI am socially handicapped.
When there is a group of people laughing and having a good time i don't feel like I belong, like I should stay away and get as far from them as possible. People end up misinterpreting things I say alot making them hate me.
I seem emotionally blank alot of the time.
Even when I'm happy I don't "look" happy. I can't express emotion very well and I know that has an effect on everything in my life. If I laugh too much I start to cry and I then want to hide. It makes people around me feel weird seeing this.
I am terrified without any relief.
This is one thing alot of people REALLY can't understand. I have a generalized anxiety disorder that is rather acute. There are times when I will see movement and will be shocked by it (really bad in a busy area with lots of people). I expect everyone to try and hurt me. I have this constant feeling gnawing at me that there is something out of my view that is there. I get compulsions that something is there when it isn't and it scares me. It has kept me from sleeping and has caused many nightmares once I am asleep.
There are pills that can help I know. Those very pills that help with the anxiety and the depression react to my body with blacking out and possibly seizures. I figure I'd rather have fear and saddness than seizures and parts of my life missing.
I know I'm not a bad person but it seems that I am viewed as one by others around me. If only they knew half of what I have been through on a daily basis then they might understand for maybe a minute....but that minute would pass and they'd see me as a monster again.
How can I function in society like this?
How can I function in life with all this working against me?
I know now that I am cursed.
Devious Comments
On social handicaps: I've been invited to a couple parties by friends/family, and I just sorta sit on the sidelines and watch from afar. Occasionally I'll be able to get in on the conversation, but generally I'll just weird someone out.
The some total result: I rarely go to parties. The ones I do go to are with good friends, and even then I'll have the same odd feeling of "left-out-ness" because I'm not in the conversation. How the hell I even have friends, I have no fucking clue. I've had them for going on six years, and I still haven't worked that out.
Emotional blankness. Similiar problem... I seem irritable at all times. Everybody thinks I'm in a bad mood. Except customers, who think I'm a smiling person. The masks we assume...
Terror: I used to think, every time I woke up, that I would go downstairs, and the entire universe would be different. I'm serious: Every day, all of existence would have changed. I'd be in some parallel universe, where everything was almost the same, but different.
I used to think that everybody hated me, but then I realized something obvious: Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody cares. You are someone else, unknown, and unworried about. They don't even see you. On the sidewalk, at work, anywhere. You don't matter. They are unconcerned with you.
Understand that, and you stop worrying about it.
"How can I function in society like this?"
Out of spite. That's how I do it. I hate society, and society hates me. The best way to piss it off is to keep going, to keep trying, and do what makes you feel better. Piss on society's face, flip them off, and tell them "I'm still here, you shits." It's how I make it through the day.
Yeah, being left-out sounds familiar. It fucking sucks to get totally blocked out of a conversation, and then to not have a place in any sort of social event. Well fuck it, go find your good friends and do things with them. In school, in Ohio, for college, I have probably two or three real good friends, I live with people who I'm drifting away from, and I only do things outside of school with one or two people. And I usually just say "Well, fuck them" if I think that the laughter behind my back is about me.
Find something you cna do all by your lonesome that you feel great accompishment in. Something no one can take away from you, something no one can help you with. I get really rewarded personally rounding out that last .99 to a mile on the treadmill. Find something you can make your bitch, and smack it around! And I hope this helps. Go Loren! Hooray Greymatters!
--
P.S.
I am in your base! I am killing your mans!
Be Alive!
Seasons of Christ/Hanik/Peace that you may believe in, I stand with you.
--
I LIKE CHOCOLATE MILK!
You're atleast better than her... in most respect...
I don't know about me though... I'm still self conscious about myself... but guess i have an apathy about things which allows me to get through things without worrying... Plus I'm such an attention whore that I need to have the attention of others...
--
~Demon Princess Mysika~
But yu're that: special. U must to B who you are, and people who hate U just can go to hell...
Keep riding! Keep fighting, cuz the world itself needs U to keep he balance.
--
Vi veri universum vivus vici
Those who understand best have been there before you, are here with you now -as I am- and will follow after you. Take comfort in knowing that those who came before can shed some light to the end of your darkness; those who are with you are not alone in their grief and pain; and those who follow after can take solace that it will not last forever.
--
"I think I used to have a voice, now I never make a sound.
I just do what I've been told...I really don't want them to come around...oh, no."
nine inch nails: everyday is exactly the same
Previous PageNext Page